By: Nathan Willis, PhD, LMHC
Parenting a teenager today means parenting in two worlds at the same time.
In his book The Anxious Generation, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt explores how smartphones and social media have changed childhood and adolescence. One of his most striking observations is that parents today may be doing the opposite of what their children need when it comes to safety. As Haidt puts it, “we overprotect children in the real world and underprotect them in the virtual world.”
Think about that for a moment.
Many parents would never let their teenager wander around an unfamiliar neighborhood alone at midnight. We teach our kids not to talk to strangers, not to get into cars with people they don’t know, and to tell us when something feels wrong. Yet that same teenager may have unrestricted access to a smartphone, social media accounts, private messages, anonymous users, pornography, cyberbullying, and strangers from around the world and all from the privacy of their bedroom. Keeping your teenager safe online doesn’t mean monitoring every message or eliminating technology altogether. It means recognizing that the online world is a real environment where your teenager needs guidance, boundaries, and a parent who is paying attention.
Here are three ways to get started.
1. Build a Relationship Where Your Teenager Can Talk to You
One of the most important tools for online safety isn’t an app, parental-control setting, or monitoring program. It’s your relationship with your teenager.
Your teenager needs to know that they can come to you when something uncomfortable, frightening, embarrassing, or confusing happens online.
That can be difficult. Teenagers often worry that if they tell their parents about a problem, their phone will immediately be taken away. If the consequence for reporting a problem is losing access to the technology, a teenager may decide that staying silent is safer.
Instead, make online safety something you talk about regularly, not just when something goes wrong.
Ask questions such as:
- “Have you ever received a message that made you uncomfortable?”
- “What would you do if someone sent you something inappropriate?”
- “Have you ever seen something online that you wished you hadn’t seen?”
- “What would you do if someone threatened to share a picture of you?”
- “Do you know how to block and report someone?”
- “Are there things happening online that you don’t think adults understand?”
Most importantly, listen.
You don’t have to approve of everything your teenager does online in order to create an environment where they can be honest with you. If your first response is always anger, embarrassment, or punishment, your teenager may become better at hiding problems rather than better at handling them.
The goal isn’t for your teenager to think, “My parents will never find out.”
The goal is for them to think, “If something happens, I can tell my parents.”
2. Set Clear Boundaries for the Online World
Just as you establish boundaries for where your teenager can go and what they can do in the physical world, establish boundaries for their digital world.
This doesn’t have to mean reading every conversation or tracking every second of screen time. It does mean being intentional about what technology your teenager has access to and under what conditions.
Consider establishing family expectations around:
- Which social media platforms your teenager can use
- When and where phones can be used
- Whether phones stay in bedrooms overnight
- Who your teenager is allowed to communicate with online
- What information should never be shared publicly
- How to respond to inappropriate messages or images
- What happens if someone online becomes threatening or manipulative
- What your teenager should do if they encounter pornography or other disturbing content
- When parents may need to review an account or device for safety reasons
The specific rules will look different for a 13-year-old than for a 17-year-old. The goal should be to gradually increase independence while continuing to provide appropriate supervision.
And remember: technology changes quickly. A rule that made sense two years ago may not address the apps, platforms, or risks your teenager encounters today.
Parents need to stay curious.
You don’t have to be an expert on every social-media platform. But you should be willing to learn enough about your teenager’s digital world to understand where they are spending their time and who they may encounter there.
3. Teach Your Teenager What to Do When Something Goes Wrong
Online safety isn’t just about preventing bad things from happening. It’s also about preparing your teenager to respond when something inevitably goes wrong.
Someone may send them an inappropriate picture. A friend may share something private. Someone may bully them in a group chat. An online acquaintance may begin asking increasingly personal questions. A stranger may attempt to move a conversation to another platform. Your teenager may encounter pornography or violent content accidentally or intentionally.
Your teenager needs a plan.
Teach them that they can:
Stop. They don’t have to respond immediately to a threatening, uncomfortable, or inappropriate message.
Save evidence. Depending on the situation, screenshots or other records may be important. Block and report. Most major platforms provide tools for blocking users and reporting inappropriate behavior.
Tell an adult. Encourage your teenager to involve you or another trusted adult when something feels unsafe.
Never meet an online acquaintance alone. Someone can present themselves very differently online than they are in real life.
Take threats seriously. If someone threatens your teenager, threatens themselves, threatens another person, or attempts to exploit or blackmail your teenager, involve appropriate adults and authorities rather than trying to handle the situation privately.
Your teenager doesn’t need to know exactly what to do in every possible situation. They need to know that they don’t have to handle it alone.
Safety Starts With Connection
Haidt’s The Anxious Generation challenges parents to think differently about the relationship between childhood, independence, technology, and safety. His argument is not simply that phones are bad or that parents should eliminate technology. His broader concern is that childhood has increasingly moved from the physical world into a digital one, while many adults have not adjusted their parenting accordingly.
That means online safety cannot be reduced to a parental-control app.
Your teenager needs boundaries.
Your teenager needs supervision.
Your teenager also needs a relationship with you that makes honesty possible.
The goal isn’t to create a teenager who never encounters anything difficult online. In today’s world, that may be impossible. The goal is to raise a teenager who knows how to recognize danger, knows how to respond when something goes wrong, and perhaps most importantly, knows they can come to you when they need help.
Because the strongest form of online protection may not be the technology you put between your teenager and the internet.
It may be the relationship you build with your teenager before they ever encounter a problem.